September 8, 2012

VOTEmeal deadline extended to September 16th!


Master Oatmeal’s presidential campaign has brightened his and our past few months with so much high-fiber pleasure that we couldn’t bear to watch all the fun come to an end this summer. He has continued his voyage aboard the Oat Express (with a few quick stopovers in Mykonos), enjoying his usual revelries and scattering his illuminating words and oats across all the land.

Be sure to stay tuned for our full (and live!) coverage of the Oatmeal National Convention in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, keep on rocking the Votemeal like the true oat-metal heads we know you all are, and submit your oats by September 16th! Votemeal: The Political Issue will surely be a batch to remember, and you deserve the opportunity to contribute to and partake in this feast of historic proportions.

To lively political discussions over flax-heavy bowls of oats,
The Folks on Oatmeal Hill

PS – Get your dream manifesto into our flash fiction contest while it’s hot!

July 23, 2012

Master Oatmeal: Promoting literacy and reforming breakfast nation-wide

Fellow Oatmeal Party rank-and-file!

Look what time it is (12:00am on Monday, July 23rd). We are a mere week away from our FOURTH submission deadline! (***Sunday, July 29th!***) We are also in the thick of Master Oatmeal’s whistle-stop presidential campaign, which is going as smoothly as warm apple butter on whole grain toast, or, some may say, as the Oat Express traverses America.

Master Oatmeal has been doing some big things for our nation this month. We sent him off with a cross-country coach ticket for the novel and winding Oat Express, a bottle of bubbly and some fine dessert oat pancakes tucked into his insulated lunchbox. On said train, he has been distributing Word of Oatmeal pamphlets, pontificating atop empty seats and planting literary seeds in the nooks and crannies of this lovely land of ours.

At every stop, in every little town (especially those that specialize in oat agriculture), he hops off and enjoys a slice of apple pie, then hosts a reading (of Oatmeal Magazine, of course) in a bookstore, followed by a writing workshop with his fleet of tutors. He will not sleep as long as the United States sheepishly cedes to its ranking of 46th most literate in the world! Master Oatmeal is the literary pioneer who, wild turkey quill in hand, will lead us all to a brighter, more educated nation — to the America of that oft-referred Tomorrow. In addition to his main push for education and literacy, he emphasizes the importance of healthy communities: he cooks everyone a big pot of flax-rich oatmeal before he skips town and continues along the campaign trail, gracefully leaping aboard the Oat Express, waving his handkerchief and blowing kisses from his open window. His campaign can be mapped by trails of spilt oats.

He has exhausted his carrier doves, flooding the Oatmeal HQ mailbox with delightful postcards in which he describes adorable children’s tales about vegetable detectives and neurotic dinosaurs. Here is one of those postcards (he’s also learning how to water color):

In any case, back to Votemeal matters. WE HAVE A FLASH FICTION CONTEST UNDERWAY! This is your chance to write a manifesto for anything. Anything! The deadline for that is Saturday, August 4th.

We also want your non-flash writerly bits! Tell us what you think about political systems — the kinks, the occasional beacons of *hope*, your run-ins with The Law. Let’s match the airs of modern day with a sizzling, politically charged fourth issue! But also, as always, send us anything you’ve been working on, regardless of political content. We’ll make a luxurious home for it.

That’s all for us. We will be your trusty poll watchers, drooling over the Votemeal results as they crowd our inbox. And surely you know that we have experience with watching pots boil and oats congeal. That is an integral part of the beautiful, beautiful process here in Oatmeal Headquarters. Send us your pieces by next Sunday, July 29th!

Rock the Votemeal!
Master Oatmeal’s Campaign Managers

July 17, 2012

And now a brief interlude…

We’d like to turn your attention to a campaign that our Berkeley friends have been working so diligently on this past year.

Michael Newton-McLaughlin, Tim Maloney, and Shahab Najafi are behind the project City of the River Within, a film that raises awareness about urbanization in the Vietnamese capital Hanoi. What started as a masters thesis project in the City Planning Department at Berkeley has turned into a full-blown feature length film.

As their website says,

The film bears witness to narratives of hope and conflict as graffiti artists, community residents, park-goers and activists labor to see a more vibrant, hospitable and equitable city. Their stories compel us to reflect not only on Vietnams’ self-determination and sustainability, but our own future in an increasingly urbanized world.

According to their current kickstarter campaign, they’ve already raised $1,275 of their $8,000 goal, which is their last push towards the final goal of $20,000 needed to complete postproduction. But this benchmark goal of $8,000 is drawing to a close on July 29, giving them less than 12 days to reach it.

We here at Oatmeal, with all humor and puns aside, think this is a project worthy of your attention. Plus, we think the whole kickstarter thing is ingeniously democratic and something that Master Oatmeal wholeheartedly approves. So take a look at the trailer, see what it’s about, and then makeakickstarteraccountsowecanaskyouforsomemoneylater.

Got that? OK.

City of the River Within from Tim Maloney on Vimeo.

To donate to the project, or learn more about City of the River Within here.

June 28, 2012

The time has come, folks, to rock the VOTEMEAL: The Political Issue!

Good evening, our fellow breakfast enthusiasts.

This is a public service announcement from your friends here at Oatmeal Headquarters. As you may know, we aim for democracy within these walls abristle with whims and ideas. But not all ships are run quite as tightly as that of Oatmeal Magazine, clipping along the frothy waves with the exuberance of one thousand giggling babies. No, there is a whole gamut of political structures and tangles out there in that wild, bustling world. And we want to make Oatmeal’s Issue #4 all about it! And thus we invite you to join us in Votemeal: The Political Issue. The submission deadline is one month away: Sunday, July 29th!

While we are giddy about this whole new flavor for the magazine, we are also always open to all things oatmealbowloutside of our theme. Especially in this case. George Orwell wrote, “it is invariably where I lacked a political purpose that I wrote lifeless books and was betrayed into purple passages, sentences without meaning, decorative adjectives and humbug generally.” Well, we kinda like humbug and decorative adjectives, but he also suggests that (purposeful) writing is inherently political! We make choices for each delicate little word, much like we select our leaders… voting is a way to express yourself, and Oatmeal is a space for voices to be heard! Submit your voice! Rock the votemeal! We will feed you in so many ways.

In a dawn humid with the mists of transition and debate, we at Oatmeal HQ felt our bellies contracting, our lips twitching, our palms perspiring. We had that undeniable urge to do something, as they say. So we concluded that the time had come — perhaps this comes as no surprise to some of you (true fans) out there — for Master Oatmeal to run for president. It is indeed a tremendous game-changer. We know what you’re thinking. “How can he possibly catch up with Obama and Romney with so little time to fundraise?” And for that brief cloud of anxiety, we apologize. But we will make up for lost time! That’s where you, most faithful oatmeal eaters, come in. Master Oatmeal, upon agreeing to run, insisted that we set up a Super PAC so that he could do some damage with supremely breakfasty fundraising (can anyone say “Grand Slam?”).

The Oatmeal Party has spoken. We endorse Master Oatmeal. And we hope that you will, too.

While traditional submissions will certainly serve as generous, gourmet endorsements (really! as always!), we are also looking for real money, if you have even the measliest jingle of pocket change to spare. (PayPal account coming in 3 days! Be sure to come back!) Don’t you want a “Rock the Votemeal” shirt, with Master Oatmeal’s face on it, and other amazing Oatmeal swag? We sure do. Don’t you want our next ongoing project, OatMAIL, to be totally fabulous? Well. We have news for you. These things will be wonderful. Because we love you all!

A word on OatMAIL: If you want to receive real-life, tactile letters from us with scraps of ideas, doodles, prints, and stamps… thank you. That is so incredibly flattering. We hope to receive mail from you, too! Here is a link to our OatMAIL sign-up. This has been bubbling in the Crockpot for far too long.

Forthcoming: Exciting news on our changin’ management! Master Oatmeal’s official poster image, quotes from his steamily tense debates, and all of his political views in a compact presidential candidate profile! We will have polls, we will have puns. Nourish his Super PAC, and you will win access to a beautiful magazine when it’s released and, if you so desire, a package of OatMAIL!

That was a lot of information. Go treat yourself to a snack! Then get back to writing.

Master Oatmeal’s approval ratings of you are through the ROOF,
The Oatmeal Clan

June 8, 2012

Still making all kinds of fibrous connections

Dearest friends,

It has been far, far too long! But what is time, really, in this “Information Age”? Isn’t the most important thing the heartiness of your oatmeal, the warmth of your editors, the throbbing heart of your favorite literary magazine? Because we have all of those things in bushels. Before we get too mushy and over-saturate our oats with flax milk, here is a little list to keep you hooked on Oatmeal. Or to hook you back in. You don’t have to tell us which one applies. We’re also a little rusty in blogland, so we will try to keep things succinct and delectable.

From the day we started (now over a year ago! more on celebrating in our upcoming post, though perhaps tea cupthis is a mini celebration of sorts), we have been (er, Claire has been) obsessively checking our site stats almost every day. And, for those of you who are unfamiliar, WordPress allows you to see the search engine terms that guide little internet ducklings to our site.

It’s pretty neat to see what kinds of tendrils we’ve unknowingly extended into the cyber world, and the many (sometimes hilarious) ways in which curious internet voyagers have grabbed on and connected to us. Only connect… Ah, thank you, marvelous people, for continuing to find us! Without further adieu, a list!

Our Eleven Favorite Cyber Trails that Have Led Folks to Oatmeal Magazine (in no particular order):

1. bed sheets [This one appeared three times!]
2. oatmeal+and+poop+string+like
3. 3rd grade clipper ship models
4. how do i market my figurine?
5. why if two teeths in front is broken, people have projectile vomiting.why?
6. peru squat poop hike
7. breakfast of champions literary tripe
8. marakesh big ass image
9. switching to oatmeal makes you poop
10. unbloomed oak tree [Poetic!]
11. oatmeal poppers [Future recipe idea?! not sure what that would entail, but something amazing.]

All righty, well, there are some common (some may say string-like) threads in that list. Perhaps our search engine terms will etch out a new pattern this year!

A more informative post, featuring the magnificent Master Oatmeal, will be up within the week, detailing our next moves, summer announcements, and, of course, imploring you to submit writing for our summer issue! Stay tuned.

To leave you for the night, here is a photo from our Issue 3: Camp Oatmeal release party at Analog Books (thank you to everyone who made it such a wonderful, festive evening! For more photos, check out our Facebook album! And if you haven’t yet, it’s never too late to read it!):


Warmly, like a field of sun-soaked Scottish oats,
The Dames of Oatmealshire

March 20, 2012

ISSUE #3: Camp Oatmeal!

Ladies and gentlemen of Oatmealshire,

After crossing the treacherous sea, Master Oatmeal landed safely back to Oatmeal HQ and into our loving and outstretched arms. We laughed, we cried, and we secretly hoped we’d never see him again, what with all the post-production work he pushed onto us during the release of the last issue. But before any of us could open our sagging eyes and our cracked mouths, Monsieur Oatmeal bounced into his candy red Oldsmobile and drove jollily away, with pins on his chest and sunscreen on his arms. Where was Mr. Oatmeal going this time, you ask?

Why, he went to camp!

Just in time for the spring bloom, Oatmeal Magazine provides you with the perfect amount of sunshine and sundries that’ll make you ache for summertime. While you’re trudging through the showers in black and purple rainboots, Oatmeal Magazine chills by the pool, casually sipping from ice-cold mint juleps and laughing pretentiously, as such: “oh ho ho ho ho ho…”

Or, whereas some people may be tearing their hair up for the next job or test to come their way, Oatmeal Magazine has calmly bypassed that postgraduate career stress in order to do the most fulfilling thing a recent graduate with a BA in English literature can do these days: be a camp counselor.

And trust us, he’s in good company. In this issue you’ll find more poetry, more fiction, and more nonfiction than ever before (EVER. BEFORE.). So stroll on over to Issue 3 to go your way.

This just in: CAMP OATMEAL has burst from the e-publishing womb! And it is screaming to be read. The dames and I have endured quite a long few nights here in Oatmeal Headquarters – come celebrate with us tonight from 6-8 at the CAMP OATMEAL release&reading at Analog Books! We will enjoy some oaty wassails and treats and some of the finest storytelling! Bring your writing, your friends, and perhaps a pillow. (We might be napping backstage.) In any case, cozy up and read all of the wonderful works that have nestled their way into our THIRD issue!

March 5, 2012

OM Cordially Invites You To…

The third e-zine issue release! The past two issues have been s’wonderful, yet a little too internety for our tastes. For our third release, CAMP OATMEAL! we will be hosting a camp oatmeal party at Analog Books, Tuesday, March 20 from 6-8pm. Be there, be square, be ready to share your best/worst camp stories! Make us laugh! Make us cry! Make us silently chuckle as we shake our heads in sheer amusement.

Since there’s no actual paper release, attendance costs nothing, but if you’d like to partake in some sweets/drinks please bring some change to throw in our way. Also, join us afterwards for a beautiful and brute-iful afterparty at Oatmeal Headquarters, La Burrita (where we can buy pitchers and eat burritos).

We’d love to see you there. Bring friends, bring enemies, and bring an appetite for glutinous stories.

OATMEAL MAGAZINE invites you to
An evening of the third issue:
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Analog Books (Northside, on Euclid)

Aftergathering to follow at
La Burrita on Northside.
(BYOB, we also take donations…)

See the facebook event for more details:

Love and fiber,
Ladies of Oatmealshire

January 31, 2012

Get your duffle and packing list ready: We’re off to CAMP OATMEAL!

Hellooooo, our dear Oatmeal Devotees!

You must have thought that we’d sheepishly slunk back to our origins in Scotland, but we have just been tussling with the postal service. The first draft of this incredibly informative, hilarious post got lost in the shuffle, so now we have to write this inferior substitute. Ah, fools! A postcard from your favorite editors should also arrive in the next couple of days. Our most profuse apologies for the delay, we know you all have been so anxiously awaiting our return to internet land. But here we sit, ready to discuss the import/export of oats and, as always, to read and publish your scribbles, quips, painterly stories, blistering memoirs, and drool-drenched recipes.

Our third issue will be themed CAMP OATMEAL. All things outdoorsy are welcome! Poems about a cyprus tree with a knot that looks like your dad, accounts of tentless camping in a rain forest, a recipe for the tastiest bowl of oatmeal you ever lapped up after a morning dip in an icy river. Or go for tales of summer camp and friendship and romance, all those embarrassing moments – projectile vomiting your split pea soup at the lake, rolling in mud to receive care packages full of unsalted Brazil nuts… Send it all our way! Anything you got, fiction or nonfiction. Even the forlorn letters that you wrote to your friends as they sang and bonded at camp and you stayed home to feed your grandma’s cat, Noodles.

And continue to send us things not camp-related. A bowl of oatmeal is nothing without a swirl of miscellany. Join us ’round the campfire for some soulful, atonally belted songs and the obligatory oatmeal stout. Our deadline is February 26th. We may also have a release party at Analog Books in the works. Stay tuned! And patient, as always.

Our final hot bit of news is our second flash (non)fiction contest! Guess the theme. No, guess again. Okay, okay. It’s Camp Oatmeal! Go wild! Go campy! Write your heart out!

It’s wonderful to be back. We won’t leave you hanging like that ever again. Master Oatmeal really struggled with the separation anxiety. We did, too.

Can’t wait to bundle up with you all under the starry, open sky,
The Dames of Oatmealshire

October 25, 2011

Bare away from the oatless gales, OATMEAL AT SEA HAS WASHED ASHORE!

Master Oatmeal here, reporting to you all once again. Boy, has it been a while! And a busy while at that. We’ve had a hot and treacherous couple of days here at Oatmeal Headquarters, from steaming presses to sparking computers, emotional breakdowns to delirious, caffeine-induced jubilant cries of successful hyperlinking. And we’ve been confined, hunched over in the close, close quarters of the great Oatmeal Schooner, all to produce this fine bundle of mishmash oatmeal – a hodgepodge of steel cut and rolled oats, flax meal and hemp seeds, peanut butter and cinnamon, honey and apples. . . Anything and everything that makes a bowl o’ oats hearty and essential to start your morning right! And a magazine to make your day, every day.

As an apology for our long absence and to celebrate the new issue, we are revealing Oatmeal Headquarters to the public this Friday at 5! Perhaps I will even make an appearance. Come to La Burrita on Euclid – there will be merriment, discussions of all things literary, but mostly not, pitchers of beer (that we sadly can’t subsidize), and Mexican food. The first 75 participants will get a limited edition Oatmeal bookmark!

Without further ado, the second issue: Oatmeal at Sea.