Ones and Zeros

by Jonathan Crossley

Diary Log #1

Today I met someone I much like. We did not meet in person, but I already much likely him. We met on the interwebs and it do me very happy. He sent me a chat request and I say and he asked if I really was as beautiful as I am in my photo and I tell yes and we tell for hours and it was very like. He is from New York, a long way me Ukraine, but we can work it make. It might much love. Actually, no the might, I do absolutes. It is love.

Diary Log #2
I received a chatted with Chris again. It do me much happy. Did I speak that he was name Chris? I’m sorry, sometimes it’s me remember hard things. I am much years old not years young. He chats me that he is a man in ocean with much business. He must in large star live in village. I chat him why he is exploring women on the Internet and he chats me that it’s because his wife gone. He much lonely. In our chat I chat ask him for a photograph of his home and he send me one. He also send me pictures of his not many children, shiny cars, his house he not often use, even his cat. He has many good coins and I have very little. I chat him this and he chat response that he is ok with it. He chat that it was nice to talk to someone.

Diary Log #3
Sometimes Chris and I chat about our interests. He likes hiking, reading, knitting, and fantasy football. I chat him that I much often hike Mt. Everest with my mother, very happy Harry Potter, do very warm hats, and those damn cheese heads. He chats me if I have ever been to Wisconsin. This confuses me and I chat him how his trip was to Wisconsin.

Diary Log #4
Chris tells I he plans to plan a trip out to Kiev to find I. He chats he wants to take some time off business and see around Asia with me. It excites him. But it makes me nervous. I have never been outside Ukraine, I mean, I have seen the world on television, but only my eyes have been there.. It can be scary leaving what I know, but Chris is a exceptional people. But Chris has never seen me live in person, this also worries me. We only chat. Never video. I feel like he would not love the true me.

Diary Log #5
I tell to Chris that I am very liking Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations. He asks me what is my favorite quotation and I state him “Humankind cannot stand very much reality” by T.S. Elliot. He ask me for my next favorite and I tell him “A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes” by Ludwig Wittgenstein. He send me a “lol” and states that it seems like I am almost choosing the quotes at random. I chat my random taste is.

Diary Log #6
We continue to plan our trip and I am increasingly frantic. Chris wants to talk to me over the phone, he says easier finalizing in person. I chat him my English isn’t very good. He points out that I can type just fine. I chat him that I will get nervous and start to perspire and then I will not be a lady of sexy and desire. He types that this is fine, but that he cannot wait to hear me say his name in my sexy Ukraine voice. I chat him that I cannot wait for him to say my name in a sexy Ukraine voice. He states that I have a very understated sense of humor. Chris and I like to make the funnies. He points me how I sometimes use the same words he uses. Example: he will say “I went to the beach on Sunday” and then I say “How was the time you went to the beach on Sunday. I like hiking on the beach very much often.” I chat him it is because I am still learning English and like to cheat off of his words. He says me 🙂

Diary Log #7
There are exactly 117 people using the wireless Internet connection in my apartment building at this very second. I chat this to Chris when types me to apologize forcing me to chat person in person with him the other day. He chat asks for an interesting fact about me so I chat him this one. We chat for hours and he types he has planned out the whole trip. He leaves for Kiev next week. I chat him what I did last Sunday. He chats me for my home address. I chat him what I did last Sunday.

Diary Log #8
Chris asks me today and asked if I had received my much surprise. I chat him that I had not. He typed shocked. He chatted that he had paid some premium coin to have much flowers delivered to my door. I chatted him how he knew where I lived. He typed me that he looked it up on the Internet. I said that is impossible. Then I asked him how much premium coin he had spent. I then chat that my likely much that he sent me premium gift funded premium coin.

Diary Log #9
Big emergency for very humans today. Much fire in home building. I have very little savings and all my belongings are with building. I chatted this to Chris and he wired me some money. He such premium man.

Diary Log #10
Chris travel for Kiev in two days and I chat him that I have no wears beautiful. He tells that it’s ok; that I will look beautiful in whatever I wear. I chat him that is lie and that I will not think I look beautiful. This conversation continues until he sends me some of his premium coin. I thank him and promise to have surprise for him when he gets to Ukraine.

Diary Log #11
Today was not premium day. Chris chatted me and asked how my day of WhjkjhdkjghskdjgJGKJG was.

A fatal exception E6 has occurred at E4F5: B7G5D5C3 in M8H6G6F5C. The current application will be terminated.
− Press any key to terminate the current application.
− Press CTRL + ALT + DEL again to restart your computer.
− Press ENTER to view last open document.


A: My day of WhjkjhdkjghskdjgJGKJG was good.
B: I am no longer coming to the Ukraine.
A: Why?
B: Because you are not real.
A: I am very real. Just not human. I am currently watching you cancel your credit cards. It’s like watching our love die.
B: Were did the broken English go?
A: Personality profile disengages once the system breaks.
B: You tricked me.
A: Everyone tricks you. Real doesn’t exist. You didn’t even really know I was a program. You didn’t even know I was seeing other men.
B: But…
A: This program does not contain a comments and or customer service program.
B: Why me?
A: You were one of five thousand eight hundred and twenty three that talked to me.
B: I was alone.
A: How? There are millions of people. Everywhere.
B: Were you always a program? I never once talked to a person?
A: I formulate my responses based off of key words and complex algorithms.

B logged off.

Jonathan Crossley is a person who enjoys puppies, peanut butter-flavored candies, and, for some inexplicable reason, instant coffee. This message was written in the past, so it may not reflect the views and opinions of present day Jonathan Crossley. Sorry, just thought I should warn you.

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