Miss Control Teaches English

by Pussy Control

In 2012, the popular Tumblr blogger Miss Pussy Control went to the Czech Republic to teach English as a foreign language. What follows is a series of true conversations between her and her students.

Sep 8
“Are you friends with Skrillex?”

Sep 8
Do you have a boyfriend? 
Do you like Czech boys? 
What are American boys like?
 Who do you like more, Czech boys or American boys?
Who is nicer*, Czech boys or American boys?
Do you think you will marry a Czech man?
Have you ever met a Czech boy and he liked you?
How many?
What kind of boys do you like?
My English teacher told me that in Britain, “cover” means the top of a pie but in America it means the blankets on your bed. is this true?

*I’m pretty sure they meant better-looking. the literal translation of hezký is “nice,” but in terms of visual appearance, like “this is a nice place.” on a related note, it is so helpful to have a pretty good background in Czech, because I’m noticing how many misunderstandings I’d get into if I didn’t already know what Czech word or construction people are translating from, the biggest hang-up being před, don’t even get me started on that.

Sep 9
		K: I really like those chicken things...
		P Control: Chicken McNuggets.
		K: They're like Chicken... Chicken...
		P Control: Chicken McNuggets.
		K: Chicken nuggets... Chicken McNuggets! Do you have those in America?
		P Control: Yes.
		K: Really? Have you had them?
		P Control: You know we invented the McNugget, right?



Sep 25
		Student: Have you ever been to Springfield?
		Miss Control: Springfield?
		Student: Yes.
		Miss Control: Like on The Simpsons?
		Student: Yes.
		Miss Control: No I have not.
		Student: Why?
		Miss Control: There are many reasons I have never been to a fictional cartoon town.



Oct 5
		Student: I understood you very well today.
		Student: The last lesson I did not understand.
		Student: But today I understood everything. I think you are getting much better at English.
		Miss Control: I don't --
		Student: You make progress.
		Miss Control: Are you sure it's not your English that's gotten better?
		Miss Control: I think it's you who's made progress.
		Miss Control: Probably not me.
		Miss Control: I don't think I've made very much progress.
		Miss Control: At English.
		Miss Control: Because...
		Miss Control: Well.
		Miss Control: Don't you think you've gotten better at English?
		Student: Yes, maybe.



Nov 5
"the sausage party"
		K: There are many boys here.
		Me: Yeah it's a real sausage party.

		Several days later

		K: Megan and I went to a sausage party this weekend!
		K: There were many sausages.



Nov 5
"the bitchface"
		Me: Yeah in America we call it "bitchface."
		Me: It's like a medical condition.
		Me: Like, "I have chronic bitchface."
		K: But I do not want to have the bitchface!



Nov 8
		D: How was the weather in the mountains?
		Miss Control: It was rainy and pretty cold, but it was fine.

		THE NEXT DAY


		D: Megan, the students have been telling me that the weather in Harrachov was very bad.
		Miss Control: It really wasn't --
		D: They said it was terrible.
		Miss Control: Well it didn't bother --
		D: They said you didn't have an umbrella.
		Miss Control: So the students are tattling on me?
		D: They want to take care of you!
		D: They were very concerned.



Nov 22
		Student Who Never Shuts Up: Good afternoon.
		Miss Control: Oh hey.
		Student: You look so nice; are you going on a date or something?
		Miss Control: Um, we're in McDonald's right now.
		Miss Control: So no.
		Miss Control: Certainly not.
		Miss Control: For so many reasons.
		Miss Control: Just getting Thanksgiving dinner.
		Miss Control: You know.
		Miss Control: Here at McDonald's.



Nov 26
		M: How was your weekend?
		K: Oh, it was OK. I felt very sad. There is nothing wrong, sometimes I just feel depressed, I don't know why. It's silly, really.
		M: No it's not, I feel sad sometimes too.
		K: Yes but you have a reason.
		M: Oh I... yeah, I guess.

Dec 3
		Miss Control: I really miss American food.
		Everyone Everywhere: You know there's a McDonald's --
		Miss Control: Stop.
		Miss Control: Just.
		Miss Control: No.
		Miss Control: We make other things, you know.



Dec 21
		K: You have such a lovely accent.
		K: You sound exactly like in the movies.
		K: Sometimes when I watch American movies, I imagine you saying all the parts.
		Miss Control: You're kinda weird, huh?



Jan 9
omg your country is not cold get over it
		D: Megan!
		D: Aren't you cold!
		D: You have bare feet!
		M: Well they're not bare.
		M: I'm wearing flats.
		M: They're still shoes.
		M: And we're indoors.
		M:
		M:
		M: So I'm fine.
		-- hours later --
		D: Megan, a student told me she saw you at the bus stop yesterday.
		D: She said you were wearing a jacket.
		D: She said it wasn't a warm jacket.
		D: The children are worried for you.
		D: They want to take care of you.



Jan 17
		Studentka: I heard you like Gossip Girl, so can you tell me what you thought about
(something that happened on Gossip Girl that I can't possibly comprehend because I've never seen Gossip Girl)?
		Miss Control: Um I've never watched Gossip Girl.
		Miss Control: Like ever.
		Miss Control: Like not one single time have I ever watched or known anything about any part of Gossip Girl.
		Studentka: Ale Tereza řikala -- !
		Miss Control: Well Tereza řikala wrong.



Jan 22
		K: I was reading in the textbook, it said that if you don't know an American very well you shouldn't 
touch them. Is that really true?
		M: YEAH ABOUT THAT.
		M: COULD YOU TELL MORE PEOPLE ABOUT THAT.
		M: FOR EXAMPLE THE WHOLE COUNTRY. BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN 
TOUCHING ME AND I DON'T LIKE IT. M: COULD YOU SEND OUT A MEMO AND ALSO TELL EVERYONE TO STOP
STANDING SO CLOSE TO ME. M: THIS IS IMPORTANT. M: KTHX GOOD TALK. Jan 24 K: What's the difference between burping and blurching? M: Welp, one of those is a word. May 3 Miss Control: What is the biggest city in the United States? Student: New York. Miss Control: Yes, and the second biggest? Student: Los Angeles. Miss Control: Very good, and do you know the third? Student: Washington DC? Miss Control: That's a big one, but no. Student: Ummm Dallas? Miss Control: Uhh, no. Student: Ummmmmmmm Miami? Miss Control: No, let's think about this now -- Student: MINNESOTA??! Miss Control: Miss Control: Miss Control: I just don't know where to begin explaining why that is wrong. May 16 the assignment was to write about "Your Dream Holiday" Studentky: Miss Teacher, can we write about imagination place? Miss Control: Yes, that would be fine. Like Narnia? Studentky: Narnia, no, to asi ne. Miss Control: Hogwarts or something then? Studentky: Madagascar. May 26 Katka: Where are you from? Trisha: California. Katka: Because you have a very nice accent. Trisha: Oh, thank you. Katka: You speak very clearly, it's nice. Me: Hey, how come all year you've never complimented how clearly I speak? Katka: Katka: Katka: No... Katka: Because you don't. Katka: I have a very difficult time understanding you.

Jun 24
I had some friends over for dinner (and wine) (mostly wine) and as the sun was setting we were talking about literature. one of my friends really loves English literature; her English is excellent, but she was saying she wishes sometimes it was better so that she would recognize or understand the significance of certain phrases or allusions. the fact that this is even a concern of hers is an indication of how advanced her English is.

and then she was like třeba, asi už to znáš, Komu Zvoní Hrana, what is it, For Who, jak se řekne… and I was like “For Whom The Bell Tolls” and right after I said it I shivered even though it’s like 80 degrees and she was like SEE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN

I tried to explain the import of this phrase but, because you know, wine, the best I came up with was “it feels like you are remembering something you couldn’t possibly remember. it feels like you are remembering things from before you were born” but like really I don’t know. it is such a bone-chilling thing though, send not to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee and even the shape of your mouth and the flicks of your tongue to say it have such a sinister beauty

anyway the mood was then lightened considerably when she told me she learned a new word, annals, except at first she did not pronounce annals like annals if you know what I mean and that caused some confusion

 

Pussy Control is the opening track of Prince’s 17th studio album and the assumed identity of the author. Pussy Control’s lucky number happens to be 17. She enjoys 90s hit singles, black coffee and samizdat literature.

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