Interviews with Very Important People, Part I

Reports from the field.

…In high school we used to smoke a lot and play basketball. We were like, really high and also really bad at basketball, and these kids from the eighth grade wanted to join the basketball team. But they were all too small. And we would just hold the ball up above them and score on them, and shit talk “yeah that’s right! That’s right!”
There was this one kid who was kind of big who they were getting mad at, and we all made fun of him together.
Um, one time when I was seven, on my birthday, I got two of the same toy.

Q: What toy was it?
A: I don’t remember.
Q: The poop story, please.
A: One time I was eating lunch, and some birds flew over, and I ran for cover, and they pooped in my lunch box.
Oh. One time I visited an old folk’s home.
Q: How was it?
A: Eh. It smelled funny. I was reading the newspaper one day, and I was interested in this article. And I read it, and it was okay. There were some parts that were okay, but there were some parts that were bad. All in all, I thought it was decent.
Q: What did you do yesterday?
A: Why are you even doing this?
Q: I need some stuff for my project. Don’t worry about it. Just keep going.
A: Oh, no way.
Q: What? Dude, don’t worry; your name won’t be on it.
A: There’s no way I’m giving you permission to do this. It’s against the law.
Q: Be a sport.
A: Hell no. You’re not printing my whole life story out, okay?

A: Did you delete it?
Q: Yeah. So tell me a story.
A: Oh really? BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS. That’s the title of the story. Um, one time, when I was fifteen, well, let me start it off… okay so both of my parents are… well, as a kid I moved around a lot. Both of my parents worked for the foreign service and we went to all these countries, and when I was fifteen my dad got stationed in China and my mom got stationed in… um… Russia, and I got placed in Mongolia because they couldn’t decide where I was supposed to be. Don’t laugh. So I was in the middle. So I was in Mongolia. Well, (clears throat) so … none of that’s true. I wasn’t really going anywhere with it.
Q: Tell me a story.
A: Okay so when I was born, I had both parts, and um, my parents sewed one of them up but they never told me which one and as a result I don’t know whether I’m a boy or a girl. As a result, I don’t know what to do. Gosh, what’s down there, you know? I’m just smooth, I got a big ol’ nothing. Pee outta my bum. Is that weird? I guess that’s pretty weird.
…So anyways, um, in the center of Mongolia there’s this really big zoo and I used to go there on my days off from boarding school. On one of the days some friends dared me to hide and sleep in a zoo overnight. So I decided to go for it. You getting… you getting this down? When the zoo was closing one day, I took an ape suit out of my backpack and put it on and climbed into the cage. These were no regular apes; Mongolia had an advanced program of ape signing.
Q: Alright I’m done.
A: Have you ever seen a woman throw up out of her vagina?
Q: No.
A: Neither have I. But that would pretty weird, huh? Pre-tty odd…

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