Archive for January, 2013

January 23, 2013

Procure your finest peacock quills and richest blackberry ink for GOATMEAL: The Farm Issue!

Howdy-do, long-lost friends of the most nourishing literary oat mill in the universe!

As it usually goes with our unannounced extended hiatuses from these here ethers, we’re back with some very exciting news. First, a rather long overdue announcement that the new family favorite, Votemeal: The Political Issue, was born! Its moist thud against the virtual shelves could be heard around the world about two months ago. In the slightly altered words of Michiko Kakutani, the potent brew of pieces swirled into that issue have tickled the Bay to the darkest depths of its core with the force of a fourteen-floored campaign office fueled by bottomless steel cut oats. Although Master Oatmeal didn’t *technically* win presidential office, he still gave us so much. (We would have posted his concession speech, but it was really performance art — of the most ephemeral sort — and no transcription would have done his graceful hat-hanging a teaspoonful of justice. And we live for justice in Oatmeal Headquarters.) A most heartfelt thanks, from the bottom of every crusty oatmeal pot, to all of our rock star contributors for providing us with the finest garnishes on this side of the… pancake!

Bit of tantalizing news #2: We have ANOTHER issue in the works. That’s right, number five (five!), Goatmeal: The Farm Issue! During his whistle-stop campaign tour, Master Oatmeal discovered that he’s really a grassroots kind of guy — quite literally. He loves grass, he loves roots. In fact, our long vacation from Oat-related business wasn’t due to his usual drifting down the Amazon in a purple velvet-coated yacht, but rather because it’s a rare afternoon these days that we’re able to lure the seasoned gardener into Oatmeal HQ from his urban oat farm for an oatmeal stout and our weekly oatmeal bath. A true renaissance man! We can see him right this moment through the window, weeding in his straw porkpie hat. His smooth, rich bronze is comparable to a Rodin. And his zeal for hearty breakfasts and good reads only grows. Could there be more staggeringly fitting symbolism in his new green-thumbed hobby?

In any case, let’s fix ourselves a plentiful springtime harvest — contribute to our cornucopia with anything and everything you’ve been working on by March 3rd! We will shake the frost from the soil and revive our fallow land with your vibrant pieces about winter squash, fainting goats, hydroponic systems, or that one time you got lost floating down the King River and had to hitch a ride from a truck driver in a sprawling corn field… Send it all! We welcome everything, farm-related or not, with our very special submission jig that involves several rapid-fire successions of high fives. Perhaps we’ll share a video of it one day.

Speaking of videos, the Master Oatmeal web series (a collaborative project with Mr. Niklas Lollo, the master of all things fun and high in fiber) is still gurgling away in the Crockpot! A teaser: there will be a human hatched from a pot of oatmeal! Just as evolution intended. And there will be stop-motion animation. Oh, holy oats, we’ve said too much.

Also be sure to sign up for OatMAIL! Don’t miss your chance to receive doodles on paper napkins, inane jottings on other surfaces, and a little package with doodles of your favorite animal on your birthday — for free!

Welp, that’s all we’ve got. Send us your platters of freshly picked roots (savory oatmeal, anyone?) and wild, juicy ideas for an utterly Bacchanalian potluck! Goatmeal will be the hoedown barn dance of your wildest dreams (baby goats and square dancing included, of course).

Beet cake and cow pies,
The Graziers of Oatmeal Farms